Part of the story never told in Ten Years

I wrote an article MEMOIRS OF A DYING FATHER 3 years ago about what I know surrounding Dad’s transition (I prefer to think he transcended) – Oba o kin ku, Oba ma n waja ni.

Ten years after his death, I think I have the maturity to share more truth to myself.

Dad and I were super close, I like to think I was his wingman in life and he looked out for me to always have his back all the time (he used to say this). So, when he died, I blamed myself over and over again asking questions like “why didn’t you go on that trip with him?” you could have done something to avoid his death? At this point, I was on the verge of truly being depressed.

The self-guilt and hurt was a conversation I couldn’t have with my mum (we were asked to stay strong for her – she seemed to have needed more help). Besides, I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone about it. I think my family noticed a strong change in attitude and how I began to react to things (always angry at everyone and the world) but didn’t know how to help.

I found solace in one thing, “music”. At the time the only way I was able to get out of my misery was to channel all the negative energy to the music I made, hence, I created an alter ego called “Reed” (an angry music figure that was always ready to fight to break free of everything). After each writing and studio sessions, I fell back into my cocoon so I tried spending more time in the studio than home. I had 2 defaults, studio or be in nasty moods I swung into from time to time more frequently than a ticking wall clock.

Soon after, I moved to Lagos pushing further with life looking for a source of staying in my music fantasy. Luckily, I had the opportunity to live with one of the best people in the world. If you have ever heard me speak about Aunty Toyin and Uncle Imeh you will know fully well I regard them as heaven sent angels. I was a broken 21-year-old when I moved in with them. They noticed I suffered from incessant mood swings as a broken young adult. They did everything they could as far as having to drag me out of it – In Aunty Toyin’s voice (I won’t let you lock yourself up in this room for any reason if that’s the last thing I do). I was able to become a part of something once again after about 2 years of struggling to be since they were not ready to let me be. That may have been my saving grace from falling proper into depression.

Even till today since dad died in a 1999 model Nissan Pathfinder and was lifted in a Volvo ambulance wagon from the morgue in Ilesha where he was declared dead to Ibadan – I haven’t been able to stand the sight of both vehicles.

I picked up the love for Mercedes from him and have stuck to using the exact hair cream brand he used all through his life (Blue Magic Bergamot) for reasons I can’t explain.

I may have gotten over a few other things because of how far life has brought me, but just like bullet wounds, you heal but will always be left with a scar to remind you of where you are coming from.

The Shi'ite, the Nigerian Army, Zaria and the Nation

The clash between the Nigerian Army and the Shi’ite clan during a “peaceful protest” in Zaria and people’s reaction to this has left me at a state of aw.   I don’t know much about the North than the few places I have been to and Zaria happens to be one of those places. But one thing remains constant; I get very interested in knowing why a lot of things are the way they are. I had the opportunity to work in Zaria for about a week earlier in 2015 and never stopped asking the locals questions. So, I have a bit of a combination of what I saw and experienced within those few days and the answers I got to the questions I asked. This article however does not explain why the clash turned out the way it did. This is just a simple analysis of how I see it to be from my own personal objective perspective.

Zaria and Kaduna as a whole has heavy military presence and road blocks after about every kilometre going into Zaria. This is something I witness on my way to Zaria all the way from the Kaduna airport. According to the locals, this is what has kept the peace there since the former series of tribal and religious crises Kaduna has been known for. . Kaduna is also seen as the military hub of the country where you will find the NDA (Nigera Defence Academy), Jaji ,military training school, NMS (Nigerian Military School) and a lot more That said, if you have been to the northern part of Nigeria you will notice thousands of children (possibly in hundreds of thousands) who have been born and left astray with no known family trace. They predominantly fall in the 'Almajaris and Mabaraci’ categories. In long years most of them have grown to be lazy jobless and unwilling to take up jobs. A lot of cross state transfers happen in the north where certain states pick up some of these children from their state and dump them in other states vice-versa. Now, from Zaria to Kaduna city in particular you will find these same set of children in huge numbers (why boko haram will always have easy recruits).

You will wonder why I have gone all the way to talk about the Almajaris, Mabaraci and the military presence in the Kaduna state.  Considering the current security state of the nation, the most ideal thing to do is to avoid protests as much as possible especially in the northern region of the country. Looking critically to understand what led to the recent clash between the Shi’ites and the Nigerian Army, I have been able to draw some analysis of the situation comparing it to the video released by the Nigerian Army.

1.)        The security state of the country is highly sensitive especially in the Northern part the county which calls for extreme caution in day to day activities. This I think includes protest (peaceful protests too). The reason for this is simple and clear, there is a major security risk in the country especially in the North faced with threats of likely attacks. This means all eyebrows are raised.

2.)        Understanding the nature of the thousands of youngsters (Almajaries etc) who happen to be in the north searching for that opportunity to be relevant and active. All possibilities indicate that since most of them see it as an opportunity to get active and relevant, joining the bandwagon of protesters will be an easy way to achieve this. I can almost guarantee the main people that led to the scene being bloody are the ones that joined the Shi’ite to protest. We see these things happen in the south too but we have them in fewer numbers and more organised. A typical example is carrying a cutlass and pretend to start a protest you will realise thousands will follow you blindly not even knowing or understanding your cause.

3.)        Analysing the video released by the Nigerian Army closely there were about 4 red necks (senior officers Col. and above) pleading with the protesters to let them through which looked unusual (showing they understood the country is in a sensitive state) Generals normally are unlikely to get involved with such anywhere in the world.

Even though the army isn't justified for this, we are at very sensitive times and the force will do everything to protect their own especially a chieftain under threat.. Security details charge with the responsibility to protect the military chieftains will stand at nothing even on their lives to ensure they do not fail. 

Video released by the army 

source: Dadiyata youtube page

Critically looking at the video you will notice all the security details were on stand by in positions behind the generals. This I believe was on instruction of the senior military officer at the forefront to allow them dialogue with the protesters. A better understanding of how the military work will let you know the soldiers on standby will not let any threat or attack face their generals with virtue of their training. Another scene shows the men at the forefront of the protest carefully listening to the senior military officers (a General inclusive) but others at the rear aggravating the scene with chants which would have possibly gone uncontrolled.

I clearly cannot confidently say I know exactly what led to the blood bath, but all these pointers should give a clearer picture of what we are dealing with as a nation.

After all, we are all concerned about the sovereignty of this great nation... God bless Nigeria.

Whats your Relationship Status? In/Not In/It’s complicate (Situationship)

I am not a guru when it comes to relationships. Lets just say I'm more of an observer. But have you ever asked anyone if they are in a relationship and they respond with the phrase “It’s complicated”? Or have you ever responded to the same question with the complicated answer? A lot of times I sit and wonder why and how we get into so much complicated situations. I guess it’s just the Situationship clause. A word I now strongly think should officially be added to the English dictionary just the way I added it to my Microsoft word dictionary now that I am writing this.

Honestly, I’m not sure if this is 100% applicable, but it definitely defines most of the bases on getting into the complicated/Situationship category. Okay, think about this for a minute and decide for yourself.

Scenario one:

Boy in a relationship meets girl in a relationship, girl likes boy, boy is a happy go lucky fella but willing to have a little fun. So, they begin to spend time together. Boy tells girl he is in a relationship, girl comes to terms with it but still wants to spend time with boy. Girl starts to like boy and starts to see original boyfriend’s weakness as boy’s strength. Boy is having a little fun so he is good.

Boyfriend starts to suspect something is going on, so girl and boyfriend starts to ague frequently. Girl has boy’s shoulders to lean on when boyfriend gets nasty. At the end of the day Girl and boyfriend break up. Since boy was always there girl feels boy is the hero always there and thinks he is an alternative (after all, the fiasco started because of boy). The connection to boy is strong but only for boy to remind girl that he is in a relationship and had always been in a relationship. Boy has some slight feeling for girl so boy keeps comforting girl. Somewhere in girl’s mind she is thinking boy will break up one day and then they’ll be together. Girl is automatically caught up in the situation.

Scenario 2:

Girl meets boy, boy meets girls. They both get really close girl likes boy, boy likes girl. Boy wants to date girl, apparently girl has always had this crush on the next door neighbor hoping the neighbor will one day knock at the door. So she intends to be single when neighbor gets the eureka to show up at the front door with his arms open wide. Boy has no clue of this but boy wants to date girl so he is constantly on her case. Though they are involved in every possible way beyond the FWB line. 

Boy for some reason keeps sticking around. In this case because boy is madly in love with girl and gets everything from girl except the boyfriend title he forgets he’s in a SITUATIONSHIP. Girl will walk away the very moment next door neighbor knocks at the door.

I'm tired of making up scenarios already. I guess you get the general idea. Word on the street is that Cupid got shot dead and people don't genuinely fall in love magically anymore. So in my opinion, the best way to deal is just be on the same page, but humans will always be somewhat selfish.

But wait! is cupid really dead?

Loyalty to Communal Family Values and Our not so Modern Society

As Africans, and ultimately Nigerian, one of the cultural attributes we have been known to pride ourselves in is Loyalty to communal family and values. By calling ourselves Family we refer to the long extension of the family most people call Compound, local community going beyond a set of people that share the same name but long reached to an association of a group of people who have in the year intermarried inhabiting a common location with common set of values.

Folk communal family image from: http://babathestoryteller.com/

What we were made to believe about our lineage is that communal families share a set of beliefs,
common attributes and most especially that special thing that keeps them locked onto each other called “Loyalty”. I can go on and on defining loyalty which I believe a lot of “us” in my generation know about but have hardly experienced in different circumstances from those before us. The strength of our societies in the past depended on loyalty and communal family values. We have also come to learn the importance of communal family and lineage. Certain phrases such as “what family are you from” “which of the communities do you hail from” will sound familiar while interacting at certain levels.

In this modern day and age, as strong as we say we try to hold family values, can we boast of loyalty to the traditional definition of communal family as we know it to be as Africans? A lot of times the younger generation (millennials) are blamed for being disloyal to “the family”. On the other side of the table, does the old saying “the family will always stand to protect its own even in the storm still exist”? Is the family loyal to its members? Often times, millennial focus on the value of giving back to that very sect which has given to them no matter how small. The question again is, has “the family” given to earn a return? Or has the family taken from whom they owe their loyalty? There is more attachment to the nuclear family the communal family isn’t close to enjoying possibly because of the answers you have given to the questions I raised.

However, in recent times, for the very few of the new generation that care for the communal family association have mostly found newer families far away from where they typically will call home. A newer family confident enough to prove their loyalty over and over they share their values with. So, can we say it is right for the communal family to make demands from those whom they have robbed off their loyalty when success knocks at the door?

Finally, should our current society characterise our vision through the originating communal family if the essence has truly been lost? Should our society hold us by our family values or by our individual standards? These are some of the questions I will leave you to think about......

                                                                                                                                                                                      Deji Layade October 2015

TEN THINGS YOU PROBABLY DON’T KNOW ABOUT ME

As humans, we tend to camouflage a lot of deep things that have to do with our personality. But in the real sense of it, the sensitive human part of ours is one thing that makes us “Human”. I doubt if we would be called human beings if we are devoid of sensitivity.

That was me trying to make a grand entrance…

Ok, straight to the business, my mother is a woman and Dad is a man!

Huh?

 I’m sure you are wondering if that’s something you probably don’t know. Well, I had some time to sit down to think and was able to come up with a few things a lot of people don’t know about me. This is not to say that some people don’t, but a lot of people around really do not know (especially the ones I met in the past few years). What I am about to do is share just 10 (Ten) of them with you….. even though I have a jar full of items.

This is not a top ten list of my deepest behavior or thoughts. It is just a list of 10 things ‘you’ probably do not know about me.

1.   I was born a Christian, but have a VERY LIBERAL RELIGIOUS VIEW. This means, I don’t condemn any religion or believe that any is superior/inferior to others. The one thing I hold on to is that everyman has something he needs to believe, which is why we all have our various ways of connecting with the creator. With experience I’ve had so far with different religious doctrines, one thing stays consistent across all which is the belief in a divine being (creator). As for me, I go to church, I believe in God and accept that Jesus is the son of God that’s the way I connect with the supreme being.

2.   Two months to age 27 and I STILL LOVE FAIRY TALES. Do you remember snow white, Cinderella, beauty and the beast, Aladin, little red riding hood etc... Well, I can start with them and never get tired or bored watching all of them. Knock yourself out if you want, I just slipped being stuck to book of nursery rhymes by just an inch. I still think they are really good.

3.   A FAILED MODEL – I once claimed to be a model at early Uni days around age 17/18. Luckily I was signed up with an agency *name withheld* and sadly at the other leg of it I never got a single professional Job. Failed or not, once a model always a model J (I learnt some modelling tricks). I blame the failure on not living in Lagos as long as it makes me sleep well at night.

4.   Launched a fully registered COMPANY OF MY OWN BY AGE 21- I am sure some of you have seen a logo that reads NASH Entertainment with me before… well it’s a fully registered company I launched officially at my 21^st birthday. Native and Skills Hammerlock Records and Entertainment was registered as a record label and an entertainment company to take up audio, video and tourism. I set the target to establish my own company by 21 which I did. A long dream still alive till this present day. My empire will ride on the NASH Platform.

5.   I have recorded ENOUGH SONGS TO COMPILE ATLEAST (3) THREE FULL ALBUMS AS AT 2011 and yet I never officially released an album. I released a 3 track ‘not for sale promo cd’ in 2009. One of the songs – Gbabe hit the top of many music charts in Ibadan while another song on the same cd  - Sewere produced by Zeez hit several charts in Lagos peaking at No1 on Unilag FM and  No6 on Rhythm top 20 Naija hits sometime in the year 2009 while I was in school. The 3rd track on the cd titled ‘MissQuintessential’ will be the centre of the next thing on the list of things you probably don’t know about me.

6.   MISS QUINTESSENTIAL WAS INSPIRED BY A LADY – A track on my ‘not for sale promo cd’ released 2009 was written and composed from start to finish in less than an hour. The interesting part you probably didn’t know was that I had a babe I was crushing on back in school in mind while writing that song… she was my muse for this one. I denied being inspired by a babe to write the song all the way and even at radio and press interviews till this confession.

7.   FALLEN IN LOVE TWICE – I have genuinely fallen in love with ‘just’ two women. I dated one of them for just about 5 months. The Second never wanted to date me and now I’m crushing on another that looks like one of them and she doesn’t even know. This is quite dicey because there is confusion between genuine crush or crush because she looks like someone I once fell in love with. I doubt if I will be able to find that out. Who knows?

8.   Definition of MUMU FOR LOVE (aka Sucker for love) – This is one thing I find very embarrassing all of the time. Every tough guy has his MuMu moments. In this case, mumu for love. For the people that are really really close to me, they know how bad it gets when I really like a babe. To them it’s no news I become the most useless person that exists on the face of the earth. I’ve been a hopeless romantic in few cases. This was never for the eyes of the general public. It also explains the terminator attitude I have around certain women. I don’t want to be sharing my mumu buttons around.

9.   A SHY GUY – A lot of people will challenge me for calling myself a shy guy. The truth is, I’m one of the shyest people I know. But it’s a different kind of shy. I have performed all forms of art from singing, dancing acting MCing on big stages in front of a crowd too many times with super confidence but still feel super shy if I have to sing/act in front of one or two people. Most people see this as pride, so I suck it up and pretend like I’m really suffering from pride.

10. Was ONCE A HAPPY-GO-LUCKY GUY – There was once a happy-go-lucky young boy many years ago that was never bothered about anything, he never rationalized anything or weighed options before making moves. Lived based on the NIKE principle ‘just do it’. I got into a lot of trouble being that way growing up. A lot of people I have around me now will really doubt I’ve ever been that carefree and happy. I guess life took its toll on me. Things got quite super serious when white collar got into the picture.

As I wrote earlier, all the things you likely do not know about me is not limited to the ten above. I just randomly selected ten to pen them down to paper so don’t say you know all about me just yet.